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Iron Man 2: "Get A Roof"

10,000 spoilers ahead.

After contrasting the rave reviews I’ve been staring at on IMDB with my oscillation between various states of boredom, disbelief and “what the fuck?!” in the cinema, I feel that the truth needs to be told:

Don’t let the box office takings fool you. Plot-wise, action-wise, cool-factor-wise, and for just about every reason you’re going to watch this movie, Iron Man 2 is a veritable flop.

It looks as if Jon Favreau thought Michael Bay had the right idea in taking a great film (Iron Man / Transformers), and adding more robots (“Army! Navy! Air Force! ...Marines!” / those annoying motorcycles), eye candy (Scarlet Johansson in an oversized latex suit / Megan Fox’s boobs) and explosions (um..) to make up for an uninspired, sell-out sequel.

Iron Man 2 is very much the revenge of the revenge of the fallen. It appears the writers lacked the guts to try and make the Mandarin believable, and instead settled for a ‘supervillian’ that never existed in Marvel canon: Ivan Vanko is a pirated Whiplash (a woman) crossed over with the Crimson Dynamo (a Soviet badass). As the former he is hardly a threat to mankind; as the latter he is basically the Iron Monger with an electric whip. How terrifyingly original.

Unfortunately, this film, like Stark, lacks a heart. Give credit to the writers for deducing that Vanko’s simplistic need for revenge and bad English lacked enough depth to power a 2-hour blockbuster. They foist upon us another artificial complication – Tony’s arc reactor is killing him! That cool plot catalyst (never mentioned in the comics) introduced in the first movie returns to haunt us in the second one – and not in a good way. Tony’s quest to save himself takes up a good portion of the film – this is a portion filled with irreverent scenes of Stark in a sweaty singlets smelting metal stuff (he builds a large hadron collider), driving fast cars for no apparent reason, and moonlighting as a chemist to discover, drum roll, a new element! How he discovers this, by this point, comes as no surprise to us: his father’s videos hide a message to young Tony, and oh dear, are those atoms I see in these blueprints? Iron Man, meet National Treasure.

This is just the start of the terrible movie flashbacks. Scarlet Johansson, usually the pretty one, seem like a badly reprised middle-aged version of Hit Girl in her role as the Black Widow. Samuel L. Jackson can’t seem to decide whether he’s the cool and controlled Nick Fury or a black guy with an eye patch delivering lectures a la Pulp Fiction. The Avengers references resemble bad product placements. The final battle of the movie appears to be an equally plagiarised mash-up of DragonBall Z and Harry Potter – I half expected a cameo from Lily and James Potter when Iron Man and War Machine decided that the best way to take out a guy without a helmet would be to shoot energy beams at each other and hope for a big explosion.

In the superhero genre, this movie pales in comparison to its suave predecessor. To mention it in the breath as The Dark Knight would be a travesty. In short: what a downer.

--

Movie theme song: Bad Romance

Best line:

Stark: (30 min after he has left the ‘perimeter’) Weren’t you supposed to prevent me from leaving the perimeter?

SHIELD Agent: ... I was busy doing stuff.

Recommended?: You’re better off ogling Hit Girl.

my IQ dropped by 50 points reading this

Rachel: yes

oh

i saw my friend

WHO CAME WITH NUGGEST

W HER AUSSIE BF

me: who is nuggest

2:07 PM Rachel: NUGGEST

DUMBASS

i meant

dunngest

FUCK

i am retarded

nuggest

OMG

OMG

OMG

OMG

nuggets

#six: it's getting hot in here

The weather here has been scorching hot of late, reaching high temperatures of 30 degrees Celsius, which simultaneously reminds me of home and the Saharan Desert (not my home).

Which makes for occasionally awkward situations when you live on the first floor of your college dorm, sleep in a sports bra and find yourself in the middle of a conversation with a guy who's standing outside your window. Which is more inappropriate? To continue lying on your bed, as you were when said guy started conversation, a la Uma Thurman in the Pulp Fiction poster, or to pause the conversation to throw on a top?

In all honesty, this is probably just my Asian sensibilities getting to me. I have seen enough boobies for the semester, given all the well-endowed schoolmates of mine who have been sunbathing in the Quad.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was DONATING EGGS. The kind that can be fertilized, not scrambled. My professor was talking about morally repugnant actions; this fell into that category.

On a related note, I saw an ad in the college newspaper offering $10,000+ for the eggs of an Asian college student in the age range of 18-25. I totally qualify, and I totally need the money. My friends, however, were aghast, mostly because they could not reconcile the fact that sometime in the future, I might have little Rachels running around who may never know who their (real) mother is.

I maintain that the pros outweigh the cons (that in fact, cons are simply a semi-prudish reaction).

WHY SOMEONE SHOULD DONATE THEIR EGGS:

1. Pays well. Asian girls get $10,000, and apparently if you're a supermodel and got a really high SAT score, you can get as high as $25,000.
2. You can take the moral high ground here. You help mothers who may otherwise never get the chance to fulfill their maternal wishes. And more interestingly...
3. You get to see what the different combinations your future offspring could take, without getting fat (multiple pregnancies) and awful social stigma (basically having sex with a million men).

Note: obviously this is not for everyone. Apart from the fact that you have to be healthy and STD-free, THIS PROCEDURE REQUIRES SURGERY and will probably actually make you gain weight with hormone pills. Just so you know.

#five: food i would serve at my wedding

Anybody who tracks my Internet activity here in the States (ah, this sounds so delectably dubious) would know that I have been obsessively stalking wedding blogs (Ed's Note: nobody tracks Rachel's Internet activity). 100 Layer Cake is arguably one of my favourites. While most of the blogs center around awesome DIY tips (to make your wedding special, personalized and most importantly, low-on-cost), I will create my own wedding-themed post which has nothing to do about keeping your wedding affordable.

(You know how Chinese weddings always serve the same damn thing: that starter platter, shark's fin soup, tiger shrimp and oats, kailan and oyster sauce, steamed fish, noodles at the end (WHY?!), longan and almond jelly if you're lucky, red bean soup if you're not. For a typical Chinese wedding menu and its symbolism, click here.)

INSTEAD, here's my dream food list to be served at my wedding (can't decide if I want to hold it in a hotel or some exotic garden, but that will be reserved for another post).

1. A selection of gourmet soups, served in three tiny bowls (like sample servings!)

French Onion, Wild Mushroom and Tomato — substitutable for Buddha Jump Over the Wall, or Shark's Fin, for the elderly, if they insist on being savage creatures

2. A Really Expensive Appetizer

Choice between Pan-fried Fois Gras or Fat Scallops

3. The (Peking) Duck Replacement (not that I don't love Peking duck, it's just that I prefer this)

Confit de Canard... A quick Google search reveals that confit de canard is just preserved duck, but the one that they serve at La Petit Cuisine comes with some kickass tangy sauce which I like. Peking Duck option available to my notoriously variety-favouring self.

4. An Aphrodisiac in Advance

A very weird fusion of East and West: Singaporean hawker-style oyster omelette (with extra spicy chili sauce) served alongside freshly chucked (insert cool ocean here) live oysters. And Tabasco sauce. With lots of lemon slices.

5. Virgin Meat

Suckling pig is served as a symbol of virginity. How a dead pig is supposed to represent purity, I don't know, but the potential groom insists on serving Sweet and Sour Pork for the wedding dinner, which I personally hate for its inconsistent flavour. So I guess I'll make use of this part of the meal to camwhore when the wedding comes.

6. Don't Be Crabby! Stay Together!

Authentic Singaporean chili crab, mantou (fried dough buns), and lots and lots of crab roe!

7. Noah's Ark (or All the Other Seafood Together)

Sashimi, live drunken prawns, and fried Soon Hock for the potential mother-in-law

8. Cows

Wagyu beef or beef tenderloin with gorgonzola sauce

9. Choice of Carbs

California temaki, yam woon sen (only like my favourite Thai dish in the world), squid ink pasta or bak chor mee (his choice)

10. Perfect Ten Dessert!!

Platter of panna cotta and strawberry compote, hazelnut and dark chocolate cake, lemon tart (from Jones the Grocer), with a scoop of Haagen Daaz's Macademia Nut Brittle!!!

NB. All dishes will come with optional servings of mayonaise (his taste-bud-ically challenged choice) and djion mustard (hers).

Naturally this list needs revision but I'll worry about that when the time comes.

#four: an interlude

I have been meaning to start on my Longevity (play)List... but I haven't had the time to do it yet.

So in the meantime, here's a shortlist about The Many Frustrations of Love and Lust that has been keeping me company this semester.

1. Fucking Boyfriend by the Birds and the Bees

Are you an amateur, or is it you're unkind? / To torture all the other girls, you keep me by your side

2. Open Book by Cake

You think she's an open book, but you don't know which page to turn to, do you?

3. Infatuation by Maroon 5

You burn another bridge, break another heart / You try again, it will only fall apart

4. Maybe This Time by OK Go

You must have mastered this / The fragile art of a good excuse / The little things that get you to believe

5. Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles

He told me her name, it sounded familiar in a way / I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times / If only I had been listening

6. Love is Just a Game by the Magic Numbers

I'm an honest mistake that you made / Did you mean to?

7. Move On Now by Hard-Fi

Don't you think we stay for too long? / Don't you think the color has gone?

no hesitation no delay; you come on just like special K

PLACEBO - Live in Singapore

It wasn't quite Muse or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but for 90 deafening minutes Placebo unleashed a blitz of hard-hitting tracks at Fort Canning Park.

For someone who grew up listening to their music, Placebo's Battle for the Sun setlist was somewhat lacklustre - while tracks such as Bright Lights and For What It's Worth from their new album are great singles in their own right, the last thing I expected was a medley of untamiliar tunes. Apart from the occasional body-surfer, the result was a fidgety audience that only stirred and jumped when more familiar hits came on. Highlights of the night included: Sleeping with the Ghosts, Meds, Infra-Red, Special K, and of course the defining Placebo song, Every You Every Me.

That said, one can't help but feel drawn to the band's charisma, whether it be drummer Steve Forrest's tattooed torso or Brian Molko's androgynous beauty. With the help of Fiona Brice's electric violin their music acquired a somewhat edgier tone, and of course, Molko's nasal, haunting vocals sounded just as flawless live.

It was apparent from the Molko's sweat-drenched v-neck that by the end of the night the band had played their heart out, even engaging in some hilarious introductions. Here's to hoping that our 20th century boys return to play again for their post-blue fans, preferably in a location that is neither 36 degrees, nor one that will have them running up that hill.